What to Expect Emotionally

What should you expect emotionally? This is one of the things we get asked about all the time in surrogacy: "I could never do that. I'd be too attached to the baby." Or, "I don't know if I could have a relationship with the parents." It's an emotional complexity, so let's talk it through.

The Reality Of Carrying A Baby For Someone Else

It's a unique experience. When we think about our own pregnancies, we think about all the things that aren't only pregnancy-related. We nest, we name the baby, and we think about what kind of sibling they'll be and where they'll go to preschool. All of that is wrapped up in the connection and bond we feel with the baby. You won't be doing any of those things. You're carrying this baby, but your relationship is with the intended parents.

You want to take care of this baby. Some people call it extreme babysitting, and I love that. We're making sure we take care of this baby for the nine months we have them, and then giving them to their parents. I relate it to being a kindergarten teacher, or to the kids I coach. I love seeing them thrive. I love taking care of them and teaching them how to kick and shoot and pass. But I'm also very happy to give them back to their parents after practice. I want to celebrate the wins, keep them safe and love on them, and then give them back to their parents.

So the reality is that you aren't doing the nesting and naming and everything else that really bonds you to a baby. You're growing the baby knowing that you'll give them back to their parents, and that they aren't related to you. This baby isn't related to you in any way.

My Experience

I can talk about my own experience all day. I was matched with a single intended father who didn't have any children yet, and I had a wonderful, loving experience with him. He lived fairly close to me. He didn't attend doctor's appointments, but we had a really close relationship during that time. He threw a baby shower, and I brought my family and spent time with his family and friends. He was there for the birth.

I still have a relationship with him and his daughters, and I love it and keep nurturing it. It's been almost 11 years, and we've kept that relationship without any pressure. He lives a little farther away now, so if I'm in his area, I'll say, "Hey, bring those girls over and let's have some pizza." If he's in the city near me, he'll say, "Let's grab dinner or drinks." It's easy and casual. That's my experience.

After Delivery

What happens after delivery? As you'll remember, postpartum is a pretty emotional time. In this case, you had a baby, but you don't have the baby. So how do we close that gap in our own brains? What I always tell surrogates is that it's really good to have your own kids come.

When you give birth, the parents go into a separate room with the baby to do skin-to-skin. You'll still deliver the placenta, and do everything you'd normally do: rest, because you're tired, hydrate, and get whatever food you've been craving, like that sushi. The parents will bring the baby in to visit with you. It's not as if you'll never see the baby again. But after that, it's a good idea to get your kids there and have them come love on you. They'll want to see the baby, if the parents allow it, and most parents will. Bringing in your own kids, nurturing them and having them nurture you a little fills that gap in your brain: "I had a baby, but I don't have a baby."

That's immediately postpartum. If you need support, whether that's baby blues or postpartum depression or you're just not feeling like yourself, we'll be checking in. And I want you to know that psychological counseling is always available to you, at any point during your journey, with any therapist you want: choose your own or use one of ours.

Your Relationship With The Intended Parents

How do I build a relationship with my intended parents? Will I even have one? Yes. At Roots, the answer is always yes. We don't take any clients who don't want a relationship with their surrogate, and vice versa. We don't do transactional arrangements in foreign countries, with different communication styles, different languages and different time zones. We don't really have any of that. Most of our parents are domestic. When we do have international parents, they're English-speaking, usually in Western Europe, and we'll make time to bridge whatever the time difference is.

Building a relationship with intended parents is exactly like building any other relationship. It starts off a little slow. We start on email until we get through the legal contracts, and then you have a direct connection with them. I don't need to stand in the middle. You'll be directly connected, whether that's text, Zoom, WhatsApp or meeting in person. The relationship develops organically over time, and we hope it grows and you become friends. That would be lovely.

What the relationship looks like after the baby is born depends on the relationship you had during the process. If you were really close, bonded and became best friends with mom, that will probably continue for the rest of time, and you'll stay close. If it was great during the journey but everybody moves on, because now they're parents and you're busy, and you didn't form that bond, that's okay too. Maybe you're social media friends, or you share Christmas cards. It really depends on the relationship you build during the journey.

What If I Don't Like My Intended Parents?

It's really unlikely that you'd get far along and suddenly realize you don't like them. We do a match call early on, and we have a whole video about that. Part of that call is seeing whether you're a good fit. You might think that's a little early to know. Maybe, but we do this 150 times a year, so we have a pretty good idea of whether things are gelling. There's also a lot of interaction before the transfer, so we'll have a good sense of whether the relationship is developing the right way.

Before the transfer, a parent or a surrogate can always say, "This isn't working. I don't like this person," or, "We're not gelling the way we should." We'll usually have a pretty good sense of that too. Then we can break the match and match you with different parents. It rarely, rarely happens, but I want you to know that option is available if something is really off.